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Jyger’s Journeys In Dungeons & Dragons – Don’t Hit Vampires With Blunt Objects (WARNING – SPOILERS FOR ADVENTURERS LEAGUE)

*plops down* Longest. Goddamn. Battle. EVER. But, before I get into that, appropriate music for story time.

…So, here’s a free tip for every new player in Dungeons & Dragons: Your weapons will not always do the same amount of damage to every kind of enemy out there. Also, for Paladins: When you are facing undead or fiends of some kind, use your fucking radiant attacks! Otherwise, you will be fighting these monsters for a looooooong time.

I suppose I should give some back-story. So, without going into too much of a tirade, I’ll just say that one of our party members got split from the party and lured to the top of a tower. And what had lured him up there, that we then found ourselves up against three of in that tower? Vampires. And if you don’t know why that presented a problem, lemme run it down in the following bulleted list:

  • I currently have a hit point maximum of 64. While I didn’t find out how many they had exactly, I know it was more than that.
  • Regenerating hit points. Again, don’t know what their maximum was, or how much they regenerated every turn, but it clearly kept them ‘alive’ in this fight for a long time.
  • Resistant to most of our weapons. So, in a nutshell, hitting them over and over with MC Frakker (my hammer) didn’t do a heck of a lot to them.
  • Can walk on walls. Made being able to hit them slightly more difficult than usual at times.
  • The leader could summon bats and charm people. Somehow, I always guessed a vampire lady would be my doom. lol
  • And naturally, being vampires, they want to suck our blood. And when a vampire bites you in D&D, you lose some of your maximum hit points until the next time you take a long rest. So, for example, my hit point maximum is usually 64, but right now, it’s actually 62. Not that bad, I suppose, but I got off lucky.

So, with all of that said, wanna know how long it took to beat them? THREE HOURS!!! However, there were two other things working against us…

  • Our wizard and monk were late to the game. It happens, not everyone can make it exactly on time, and I totally understand it…Unlike the next bit that went wrong.
  • Our paladin, Percival (we call him Percy) kinda sorta forgot to use his divine smite until the latter parts of the fight. Naturally, once he did, we started kicking ass, and Percy actually got some badass moves in, but we’d already lost our rogue by then. And by lost, I mean failed his death saves and was gone. Just, dead.

Anyway, by the end of it, we managed to kill the vampire lady’s husbands. Our wizard finally decided to erect a fire wall, and we just kept pushing them through it to eventually burn their health down to nothing. Unfortunately, as I said, our rogue died, and the vampire lady herself turned to vapor or whatever and got away. So, because my character’s bonds stated that I would not leave others to die, I decided to give him a proper burial out of guilt… … …kinda. See, here’s what happened: One of the two husbands tried escaping by climbing down the side of the tower. As such, our barbarian, Genji, who I swear is like medieval Beast for not only how strong he is but incredibly intelligent, leaped down after him. Unfortunately, he botched the roll to hit the guy and catch the wall, and thus hit the ground so hard that he left a hole in it. So, after he climbed out (and only Genji could, in this encounter, rage against the vampires for three hours, leap out of a tower, hit the ground hard enough to put a hole in it, and FUCKING LIVE!!! lol), I just put our rogue in the hole and put dirt over him. Oh, and for the record? Percy, who I’ve already referred to as kind of scatterbrained, and is in fact the one that got separated from the group and hauled to that tower, managed to pull off the insane-looking tactic right after Genji attempted it and made it look AMAZING. Like, think if Kain from Final Fantasy IV was a tiefling paladin, but still had the same skills.

So, in conclusion, don’t hit vampires with hammers, and don’t forget to use radiant damage on them if you can. Anything like this happen to you? Lemme know in the comments, and share in the embarrassing hilarity. Ja né!

My Thoughts On Batwoman #34

So, for anyone that follows comics, and for anyone who has read my thoughts on Batwoman, you all should know the situation involving her book by now. If you don’t, I’ve discussed what happened before, but if you don’t feel like reading all that, here’s the jist of it: At the end of Batwoman #17, released on February 20th, 2013, Batwoman revealed her identity to her girlfriend and police officer, Maggie Sawyer, and the two became engaged. However, on September 5th, almost a year ago, a statement was released by JH Williams III and Haden Blackman that they had walked off the book following creative differences with DC, specifically that they were, and I quote, “prohibited from ever showing Kate and Maggie actually getting married.” For historical documentation, I should note that I personally squeed at the news they were getting married, so of course, I took this personally. I was sad, angry, confused, and to this day, I still don’t have a clear, concrete answer as to why, if the marriage was such a problem with DC Editorial and higher-ups, then why was it ever given the green light to begin with, if they were only going to say no later. I mean, it’s been made clear that Dan DiDio believes that superheroes shouldn’t be married, that they should always be fucking miserable in their lives, but again, why was this green lighted if they knew it’d never happen?

*sighs* So, almost a year after we learned that the wedding would never happen, and knowing that DC would likely split Kate and Maggie up, the moment of truth is upon us in this week’s Batwoman #34. So, how does it end? Well, it ends badly, but let’s be honest, we knew it would. However, what’s actually so much more heartbreaking is the fact that this reminds me of One More Day, but in the sense that it almost feels like the antithesis of that story. There’s no deal with the devil, no changes to history, and the hero is ultimately making a personal sacrifice of her own happiness to help the woman she loves. Basically, Maggie is involved in a custody battle with her homophobic ex-husband over their daughter. In the end, the husband drops the case, but Kate leaves Maggie a note saying they need to take a break. It’s revealed that Kate made a deal with the ex (okay, so a deal was made, but there’s a big difference between some homophobic and frigging Mephisto) that she would stay away from Maggie and her daughter if he dropped the case, and she can’t ever tell Maggie what she did. It’s a heartbreaking, tragic end to their relationship…so basically, everything One More Day wasn’t. And the fact is, both of these stories were editorially mandated, so it really shows the difference between JMS and Marc Andreyko in how they handle editorially mandated breakups. Am I happy with it? No, but I wouldn’t be happy with anything Andreyko came up with for how to end this. He was in a no win scenario, people. There was just NO WAY TO WIN in this.

Now, as for the other half of what happened, and I dunno if this was mandated too or if Andreyko just really wanted to tell this story. Basically, while the drama of the custody battle was going on, Kate as Batwoman was dealing with the vampire criminal known as Nocturna. Well, in this issue, she gets a glimpse of Kate’s face under the mask, sees a tabloid with her face on it, and after the Kate and Maggie split, she sneaks into Kate’s house and…

…So yeah, Batwoman’s apparently a vampire now. And frankly, the part of my mind that constantly seeks a joke to break the ice is just thinking of this little gem from Justice League War.

Okay, I need to speak honestly with you right now, because I feel like it would show a lack of respect to my audience if I didn’t. And hell, you wouldn’t respect me if I didn’t. I have an admitted ‘thing’ for vampires. And before you ask, no, I do not read Twilight. lol But yeah, do I find lesbian vampire Batwoman hot?…Yeah. Yeah, I-I find it VERY hot. However, that said, I should also make it clear that just because something is sexy does NOT mean that you should do it in comics, especially when it causes a massive change to the narrative like THIS does. And while it is kinda sexy, it’s also kinda clichéd, almost like I’m reading Batwoman fanfiction. In fact, I’m almost certain this situation HAS occurred in Batwoman fanfiction. That’s why that scene in JLW was so funny to me, because so many fanfic writers have made Batman and the various Bat Family members into vampires.

So, again, I don’t know if this is Andreyko’s idea or not, I don’t know how long this is gonna last for, and frankly, I don’t know whether or not this means Batwoman will continue to be a heroine or if she’s now moving into anti-hero territory. However, I will reiterate what I said before: No matter what Andreyko came up with, we weren’t gonna be satisfied, so I’m not holding any of this against him. But I DO hold this against DC Editorial, in particular my favourite person in the entire Multiverse, Dan DiDio, and his idiotic, insulting, out-of-touch-with-reality viewpoints on superheroes that constantly makes me wonder how the hell he ever got to the position he’s in! And frankly, there’s been a rumour going around that part of Warner Bros. could be up for sale, and that various groups like Disney might be looking to purchase DC Comics. If it’s true, whoever it is, I’m gonna give you a little piece of advice: FIRE DAN DIDIO! He is the source of the worst of the drama and controversy in DC for nearly the past decade, and needs to be removed, IMMEDIATELY. Would it magically fix everything? Maybe not, but it’d be a HUGE step to help things out.

…Anyway, that’s my thoughts on the situation. Leave your comments below what you think about Batwoman #34, DC Editorial, Dan DiDio, Marc Andreyko, JH Williams III, whatever, and hopefully, someone with the power to do something about this will do so. Ja né!