Jyger’s Journeys In Dungeons & Dragons – The Life And Death Of Percivus, Tiefling Paladin Of Selûne (WARNING – SPOILERS FOR ADVENTURERS LEAGUE)
Well, it was an odd night at D&D. After all, it’s not everyday you watch one of your party members get burned at the stake… … …No, not kidding. And they were a Paladin, too…Yes, THAT PALADIN. lol I’ve actually been holding back on some of the more embarrassing tales of the Tiefling Paladin known as Percivus, but I didn’t wanna seem overly mean to the person who plays him… …Then he got himself irreversibly killed in an instance he easily could’ve gotten himself out of for no other reason than he very clearly just didn’t wanna play as him anymore, so now, I just don’t care. And frankly, if HE were the blogger and I were the person who pulled this crap, I would want him to blog about this. So, I guess you could consider this a sort-of tongue-and-cheek eulogy for him, and a roast for his player (pun not intended). However, before I start, I honestly can’t think of any more appropriate music to set the tone for this story than the following:
First off, let’s just tell it like it is: Percy was a bit of a screw-up, but he was a badass one. He’s the one who got lured away from the group by vampires and then forgot to use radiant damage against them for most of the fight, but he’s also the one who pulled off that insane Kain Highwind-esque move to kill one. He may have temporarily gotten himself turned into a bizarre, Picasso-looking monstrosity by the liquid pouring out from the chaos realm, but he was also the one to piece a giant squid’s tentacles all with a single thrown spear. More often than not, the two of us and Genji were on the front lines, fighting monsters up close, and we left them all hurting at best, and dead at worst. So, no matter what I say in this article, I want you to know that this wasn’t a case of someone who was completely incompetent, because when called upon to be one, he was a beast of a Paladin who kicked all kinds of ass in the name of Selûne… … …But he was also a fucking dumbass, who would oftentimes just do stupid things and then ask Selûne for forgiveness, without really learning anything from the experience. lol
Probably the most infamous incident that, to this day, we still joke about, was the time he was arrested for breaking and entering. Now, my personal recollection of the events in question may be a little on the hazy side, but I’m fairly certain that our group was given permission to search the house in question for clues involving a mission we were on. However, when Percy was outside at one point, and guards came up to question what he thought he was doing, his response was as follows: “POCKET SAND!” And, unlike Dale Gribble, this did not succeed in blinding these guards. In fact, at first, all it did was confuse them. So, what do you suppose he did?… … …Time’s up, here’s the answer: HE DID IT AGAIN! “POCKET SAND!” NOW the guards were getting a little angry. So what do you think he did ne-“POCKET SAND!” At this point, I was laughing SO HARD, I was very nearly falling face-forward out of my chair, in which case, I would have likely bashed my face into the table and fallen to the ground. Anyway, they get ready to arrest him, and he more or less said the following: “Okay, but listen, there’s something VERY IMPORTANT that you need to know. Come close, it’s a secret. Are you listening? Okay… … …POCKET SAND!” …DIED. I fucking DIED laughing. That was the funniest Goddamn thing I’d ever heard…and then, Mekeninzo made it worse, because when the guards saw us leaving the house, he told them about how we’d been given authority to do so but that we didn’t know “this guy”. XD
I don’t know if that’s what started the rivalry between Percy and Mekeninzo, wherein Percy would insist at least once every other game that he could kick Mekeninzo’s ass in a fight (if our DM allowed PvP, that is)…but I do know what ended it, and ultimately led to Percy’s demise. It happened two weeks ago, after we’d just cleared out a few enemies attacking part of a town. Now, keep in mind, during this story, that we’d split up to search the nearby buildings for survivors of the attacks, and, in particular, I was trying to find safe haven for a boy that I’d found. As such, my overall recollection of what went down between the two might be a little hazy, because I was trying to keep focused on that (FYI, I eventually ended up taking him to his parents’ home and waiting there with him until they came back from fishing). But, what I do know is that the ensuing incident started when Mekeninzo, who had turned invisible at the time, stole a book from one of the priests at the nearby Church of Selûne, which Percy witnessed, and gathered what had likely happened when said book just disappeared into thin air. So, he decided to chase the Wizard down to reclaim the book, while the latter was basically writing the tale of Percivus in said book (which I guess I’m kinda doing right now). Now, if it had just been the two of them messing around and being dumbasses, that woulda been fine. However, in a rage to reclaim the book, Percy ended up KILLING two people while busting through the wall of the inn like the fucking Kool-Aid Man, one of which turned out to be the mayor’s wife…not that he knew this at first, as he, in a VERY poor decision, when confronted by guards, claimed she was the town harlot. OH. MY. GOD!!! And, on top of all that, I should note that, while he was doing this, Mekeninzo actually dropped off gold to everyone whose property was damaged by Percy, and even suggested that the priests at the church go speak to him and help him after he found himself in prison.
So, I came back tonight (I missed last week’s game because I went to go see Star Wars) to find that Percy was in prison and awaiting sentencing. As such, my character was brought before court to testify as to what I knew about what happened, the nature of my relationship with Percy, and what I felt should be done about him. Now, apparently, Percy tried to indicate the rest of us as accomplices to his murder spree. And lemme tell ya something: As you can no doubt gather from my stories thus far, I’ve taken a lot of crap in my adventures, and endured a lot of antics, but I did so with the knowledge that we’d always have each other’s backs when it came to crunch time. Sooo…yeah, this news did not sit well with me. However, I didn’t suggest he be killed. In fact, I only suggested imprisonment as a last resort. Instead, I told the judge that I felt Percy was likely insane and needed counselling, which can be seen as trying to get him off on the insanity plea, only with the twist that I’m pretty sure he actually WAS. However, it all came down to a roll, and…well, lemme just say this: Not only did the resulting sentence end in his death, but he was burned at the steak in a public execution (where there apparently were hot dogs being served. I guess Homer Simpson was in attendance), and he was apparently cursed to the darkest circles of Hell. Nothing short of a true resurrection spell will bring him back, and we can’t afford that, so he’s GONE. And his player was given EVERY opportunity to try and save himself and stay his madness when said incident broke out, and he refused. Again, all I can think of is that he was tired of playing the character.
Anyway, that’s the story. Know of anyone who pulled such antics in D&D? Lemme know in the comments below, and hopefully, one day, my party will strike rich or something, resurrect poor Percivus, and he will have learned his lesson in Hell and be a better person… … … …Hopefully. Play us out, Alejandro.
Jyger’s Journeys In Dungeons & Dragons – The Most Intelligent Half-Orc Barbarian & Halfling Ball (WARNING – SPOILERS FOR ADVENTURERS LEAGUE)
Well, I did an article talking about the wizard in my D&D party a while back, so I figured I should talk a little bit about the other party member that’s been there since I started and is still there, our Half-Orc Barbarian, Genji, and some of the crazy moments that have involved him this past year. And because I like to refer to Genji as the medieval version of Beast from X-Men, I suppose there’s no better music to play in order to set the tone than the following:
So, why do I call him medieval Beast? Because, not only is he super-strong, but he’s really intelligent. And, right away, you’re probably asking how that’s possible. He’s a Half-Orc Barbarian, and a Berserker at that. They’re not commonly known for being that intelligent. Well, during our travels, at one point, Genji came across a headband that dramatically increased his Intelligence stat. So yeah, he’s a super-strong, super-smart, and occasionally rather swift killing machine, and just to boot, recently, he came across a talking sword that does necrotic damage. And, trust me when I say that there are few things more dangerous than someone who can brutally kill you and knows each and every way to do so and come out with hardly a scratch on them. Not to say that he’s the single most awesome ball of awesome ever made, as you may recall another story I told where something rather embarrassing happened to him, but those are kinda few and far between.
Suffice to say, Genji is the muscle of the team. And, as I’ve come to understand, following a recent D&D night where the person playing him couldn’t show up and my character had to take on that sort of role in the party, HE HAS A HARD JOB! I don’t wanna get into it TOO much, as I’ve been told that these articles largely spoil a lot of campaign and expedition scenarios in the Adventurers League, but there were snakes of all sizes everywhere, and 120 foot drops off a bridge covered in slippery moss, and one of our party members died, and we were even attacked by plate armour! Somehow, I managed to not completely screw it up, but it definitely made me a lot more grateful for Genji’s presence when he’s there.
A lot of times, he tends to be Mekeninzo’s sort-of partner-in-crime…for better or worse. 😛 Long story short, they’re both with the Zhentarim, which you can read all about here, and tend to pull a lot of stunts that the average “good guy” wouldn’t normally do. Theft, torture, murder, raising the dead, stealing baby dragon eggs, whatever it takes to get the job done. Granted, these actions CAN be justifiable at times. For example, there was one time we were travelling with this caravan in the middle of a rain storm. Several days in the rain and the muck, having to push the carts by hand because not even the horses alone were strong enough to free them from the thick mud spread across the road. And what do we find when we finally come across an inn? A bunch of self-obsessed nobles having a party and refusing to let us have even a single room. So, after Mekeninzo made himself invisible and scare them out (I think he was trying to make them think the place was haunted), ultimately gets found out, and was damned near stabbed to death, we ended up in a fight. And, in a moment that the lot of us have laughed about for a long time since, the fight ended with Genji hitting the noble that was kicking our asses so hard that his dead body flew backwards through the door to the inn and knocked it clean off. Pretty sure he hit him with enough damage to kill him at least a dozen times over.
…I would just like to preface the following story with the fact that I am not making a single fucking word of anything I’ve said in my stories up. All of these are completely true, no matter how insane, ridiculous, hilarious, or stupid they all sound. These things actually happened to us in D&D. And one of the funniest moments that we keep having call-backs to was the day we invented Halfling Ball. Here’s the situation: We needed to create a distraction for the caravan we were travelling with while Mekeninzo was searching one of the carts we’d been asked to keep an eye on by our guilds. So, Genji and a Dragonborn Paladin, who was part of the party at the time, decided to have a shoving contest to keep everyone’s attention. To further keep their attention, a Halfling Druid, who was actually played by the son of the guy playing the Paladin (which I only bring up because there’s few things in this world that I find cooler than family members that can get together and game), tried to “break up” the “fight”, only for him to get tossed between them in what they jokingly called “Halfling Ball”. At one point during it, our DM looks at me, and I will never know what possessed him at that moment to do this at that exact moment, and asks “Do you wanna try and run interception?”, and I, unable to resist, said “…Yes! I would like to try and intercept the ‘ball’!” So the Paladin threw his IRL son through the air, I rolled to see what happened…and, once again, I swear to God I am not making this up… … …I rolled a natural 20…For those that maybe are just one of my regular readers and have never played D&D, allow me to explain: In D&D, a lot of the things you do are resolved by rolling a 20 sided die, or D20, in order to see if you succeeded or failed and on what level you did either, all of which depends on how high or low you rolled. And, just to clarify, you know how in a video game RPG, let’s just use Pokémon as an example, when you attack something and it says you got a critical hit, which means you did exceedingly more damage on said attack than usual? That’s what happens when you roll a D20 in D&D. So, when I criticaled running the interception, in my mind, what happened was that, not only did I catch the poor bastard, but I then proceeded to do a touchdown dance…just because. XD
Anyway, that’s all for today. Got a funny D&D story of your own? Leave it in the comments section. Ja né!
Jyger’s Journeys In Dungeons & Dragons – I CAN’T GO BACK, BRO!!! (WARNING – SPOILERS FOR ADVENTURERS LEAGUE)
… … … … … … …So, I delivered goat sextuplets… …Yeah, that was a thing. And I can’t think of a more fitting song as a result to lead us in than this.
I suppose I should explain a bit more in detail. I was at Impossible Realities playing an adventure with my newest character, a Life Cleric named Bones. And yes, I have made THAT joke as often as humanly possible. Point is, we were investigating some odd happenings that were going on in a town, and one of the locations we were checking out was a farm. It was home to a ton of kids, some adopted and some born to the farmer’s wife. They thought they couldn’t have kids, but apparently at some point they had six all at once, and each one of them had 12 fingers instead of 10. Keep this in mind. So, we go to their barn, and we find a goat not looking so good, and a quick Medicine check by me told me the whole story: Not only was she pregnant, she was VERY pregnant. So guess who had to help deliver them? -_-
So, I delivered all six just fine, and the mother made it through the ordeal fine as well…except immediately, we could tell something was wrong: Each one of the baby goats were red, and the first one out had two heads. And right away, I realized “Wait a minute…the farmer and his wife didn’t think they’d ever have kids until a few years ago, when the wife had sextuplets, and each one had 12 fingers instead of 10. Both were unexpected pregnancies, and both resulted in six offspring each with deformities”. And sure enough, we leave for five minutes to find one of their adopted children that had run off (long story, ended with a fight with giant dogs), we come back, and the two-headed goat has grown to enormous size and has got two of the other baby goats attacking the children with it. And this REALLY made me feel like shit, because now we’re putting down baby goats, who, may I remind you, I personally helped bring into this world. The good news was that it was only the big one and two little ones that were a problem. The other three babies seemed just fine. They weren’t attacking anyone, they were nestled up to their momma, they didn’t seem to have anything wrong with them other than being red.
Anyway, after that, we went off to explore some more, and we wound up in this forest that seemed to be a maze that didn’t adhere to the laws of physics. No matter what routes we took and in what patterns or orders, the sun kept on appearing in different points in the sky from time to time. But, beyond that, here’s the part I remember distinctly: We’re wandering around, and we come across this pit we need to jump over, and at one point, it shoots out gas…that smells to me like bubble gum. And I’m immediately like “Oh shit, it was bubble gum?! IT WAS BUBBLE GUM?!?! Oh God, it’s the Chaos Realm again! I CAN’T GO BACK, BRO!!!” Now, eventually, we found out it was some cult fucking with some deep magic or whatever, I forget exactly what they were doing, but for a while there, I was TERRIFIED I had been dragged kicking and screaming back into that nonsense again. I was just rocking back and forth in my chair going “I can’t go back. I can’t go back. It was bubble gum? I can’t go back” for God knows how long. To quote Spoony during an episode of WrestleWrestle, when he was talking about something completely different, obviously, “When I finally snap, that’s gonna be the sound of it. Well, that and the sound of rifle shots, but when I finally come for you with my gun, that’s gonna be the last thing you fuckin’ hear.” XD
So yeah, that’s the story of how I delivered goats, fought cultists, and almost had a heart attack. Got a wacky D&D story of your own? Lemme know in the comments, and I shall see you all next time. Ja né!
Jyger’s Journeys In Dungeons & Dragons – Beware The Fires Of Mekeninzo (WARNING – SPOILERS FOR ADVENTURERS LEAGUE)
So, since my party just completed Hoard of the Dragon Queen tonight, I thought I’d spend tonight highlighting one of the characters in the party: Our wizard, Mekeninzo. And, based on his character and the guy who plays him, there’s only one song that best sets the tone for this article. HIT IT!
Ah, where to start with Mekeninzo? Well, first off, he’s probably the most dedicated thief I’ve ever seen in D&D that wasn’t a rogue of any sort. He simply CANNOT pass up a chest, crate, pot, or anything that could potentially house loot of any kind. I’ve honestly lost track of the number of times he’s either gotten in trouble or almost gotten into trouble because he just couldn’t help but steal stuff while we were on a job. In fact, he recently obtained a Bag of Holding, but almost lost his shot at it out of what I can only term untainted and inexcusable greed, because he tried using it to steal some gold that was lying around and kinda made a bit too much noise doing it. He was almost eaten alive for that, and while his escape doesn’t necessarily surprise me, I’m SHOCKED he managed to get ahold of the bag again, AND the gold for that matter!
Probably the other major thing most of us playing think of when it comes to Mekeninzo, and the reason for the whole Fire and Flames intro, is his adoration for fire spells. The second he learned to throw fireballs, I was almost certain I saw tears of psychotic joy in his eyes. Granted, he knows how to divert his flames so that they don’t hit us, but there’s always that sense of terror that, one day, he may just forget, or not have that option. The worst was when he found some black powder. I stayed the hell away from him for the entire duration that he had that black powder.
One running gag with Mekeninzo is that the guy who plays as him is usually late for our game. It’s not really his fault, though, ‘cuz he works through the day, and then usually has to go pick up his girlfriend, our monk, so they can both show up. So I totally get why it happens. But what’s spawned from this was a moment that has led to what I term the Dragonzord Tactic. If you don’t get the reference, in the old Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, something that would happen a lot would be that the team would be fighting a monster and getting their butts whooped, at which point Tommy would show up to summon the Dragonzord and turn the tides of battle. So here, we were fighting off this horde of monsters in a cave, five of us playing at the time, doing decently I suppose, but nonetheless having trouble with the encounter. Then Mekeninzo shows up, launches a single fireball, and the whole field of battle is just CLEARED. It wouldn’t be the last time this happened, leading me to start referring to Mekeninzo’s player as ‘Tommy’ and whistling the following:
However, for all of his hi-jinks, Mekeninzo, or rather the person playing as him, is generally the smart one of the group. I’ve oftentimes deferred to him as our unofficial leader when things got hairy, or we needed someone to make tough choices. Also, despite his constant taunting that, should things get too bad that he’d turn invisible and run off, when the time came that he could’ve, he instead turned invisible and ran around healing the wounded however he could…although, he argued that he DID technically turn invisible and run. I dunno, maybe he just likes to act macho, or he can’t bring himself to acknowledge us as more than just his companions and/or meat shields, or something silly like that. Suppose I could always ask his girlfriend if she knows what that’s all about.
Anyway, that’s all I really wanted to say about my party’s wizard. Got any funny stories from your own D&D parties? Lemme know in the comments section below. Ja né!
Jyger’s Journeys In Dungeons & Dragons – Don’t Hit Vampires With Blunt Objects (WARNING – SPOILERS FOR ADVENTURERS LEAGUE)
*plops down* Longest. Goddamn. Battle. EVER. But, before I get into that, appropriate music for story time.
…So, here’s a free tip for every new player in Dungeons & Dragons: Your weapons will not always do the same amount of damage to every kind of enemy out there. Also, for Paladins: When you are facing undead or fiends of some kind, use your fucking radiant attacks! Otherwise, you will be fighting these monsters for a looooooong time.
I suppose I should give some back-story. So, without going into too much of a tirade, I’ll just say that one of our party members got split from the party and lured to the top of a tower. And what had lured him up there, that we then found ourselves up against three of in that tower? Vampires. And if you don’t know why that presented a problem, lemme run it down in the following bulleted list:
- I currently have a hit point maximum of 64. While I didn’t find out how many they had exactly, I know it was more than that.
- Regenerating hit points. Again, don’t know what their maximum was, or how much they regenerated every turn, but it clearly kept them ‘alive’ in this fight for a long time.
- Resistant to most of our weapons. So, in a nutshell, hitting them over and over with MC Frakker (my hammer) didn’t do a heck of a lot to them.
- Can walk on walls. Made being able to hit them slightly more difficult than usual at times.
- The leader could summon bats and charm people. Somehow, I always guessed a vampire lady would be my doom. lol
- And naturally, being vampires, they want to suck our blood. And when a vampire bites you in D&D, you lose some of your maximum hit points until the next time you take a long rest. So, for example, my hit point maximum is usually 64, but right now, it’s actually 62. Not that bad, I suppose, but I got off lucky.
So, with all of that said, wanna know how long it took to beat them? THREE HOURS!!! However, there were two other things working against us…
- Our wizard and monk were late to the game. It happens, not everyone can make it exactly on time, and I totally understand it…Unlike the next bit that went wrong.
- Our paladin, Percival (we call him Percy) kinda sorta forgot to use his divine smite until the latter parts of the fight. Naturally, once he did, we started kicking ass, and Percy actually got some badass moves in, but we’d already lost our rogue by then. And by lost, I mean failed his death saves and was gone. Just, dead.
Anyway, by the end of it, we managed to kill the vampire lady’s husbands. Our wizard finally decided to erect a fire wall, and we just kept pushing them through it to eventually burn their health down to nothing. Unfortunately, as I said, our rogue died, and the vampire lady herself turned to vapor or whatever and got away. So, because my character’s bonds stated that I would not leave others to die, I decided to give him a proper burial out of guilt… … …kinda. See, here’s what happened: One of the two husbands tried escaping by climbing down the side of the tower. As such, our barbarian, Genji, who I swear is like medieval Beast for not only how strong he is but incredibly intelligent, leaped down after him. Unfortunately, he botched the roll to hit the guy and catch the wall, and thus hit the ground so hard that he left a hole in it. So, after he climbed out (and only Genji could, in this encounter, rage against the vampires for three hours, leap out of a tower, hit the ground hard enough to put a hole in it, and FUCKING LIVE!!! lol), I just put our rogue in the hole and put dirt over him. Oh, and for the record? Percy, who I’ve already referred to as kind of scatterbrained, and is in fact the one that got separated from the group and hauled to that tower, managed to pull off the insane-looking tactic right after Genji attempted it and made it look AMAZING. Like, think if Kain from Final Fantasy IV was a tiefling paladin, but still had the same skills.
So, in conclusion, don’t hit vampires with hammers, and don’t forget to use radiant damage on them if you can. Anything like this happen to you? Lemme know in the comments, and share in the embarrassing hilarity. Ja né!