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Jyger’s Journeys In Dungeons & Dragons – The Life And Death Of Percivus, Tiefling Paladin Of Selûne (WARNING – SPOILERS FOR ADVENTURERS LEAGUE)

Well, it was an odd night at D&D. After all, it’s not everyday you watch one of your party members get burned at the stake… … …No, not kidding. And they were a Paladin, too…Yes, THAT PALADIN. lol I’ve actually been holding back on some of the more embarrassing tales of the Tiefling Paladin known as Percivus, but I didn’t wanna seem overly mean to the person who plays him… …Then he got himself irreversibly killed in an instance he easily could’ve gotten himself out of for no other reason than he very clearly just didn’t wanna play as him anymore, so now, I just don’t care. And frankly, if HE were the blogger and I were the person who pulled this crap, I would want him to blog about this. So, I guess you could consider this a sort-of tongue-and-cheek eulogy for him, and a roast for his player (pun not intended). However, before I start, I honestly can’t think of any more appropriate music to set the tone for this story than the following:

First off, let’s just tell it like it is: Percy was a bit of a screw-up, but he was a badass one. He’s the one who got lured away from the group by vampires and then forgot to use radiant damage against them for most of the fight, but he’s also the one who pulled off that insane Kain Highwind-esque move to kill one. He may have temporarily gotten himself turned into a bizarre, Picasso-looking monstrosity by the liquid pouring out from the chaos realm, but he was also the one to piece a giant squid’s tentacles all with a single thrown spear. More often than not, the two of us and Genji were on the front lines, fighting monsters up close, and we left them all hurting at best, and dead at worst. So, no matter what I say in this article, I want you to know that this wasn’t a case of someone who was completely incompetent, because when called upon to be one, he was a beast of a Paladin who kicked all kinds of ass in the name of Selûne… … …But he was also a fucking dumbass, who would oftentimes just do stupid things and then ask Selûne for forgiveness, without really learning anything from the experience. lol

Probably the most infamous incident that, to this day, we still joke about, was the time he was arrested for breaking and entering. Now, my personal recollection of the events in question may be a little on the hazy side, but I’m fairly certain that our group was given permission to search the house in question for clues involving a mission we were on. However, when Percy was outside at one point, and guards came up to question what he thought he was doing, his response was as follows: “POCKET SAND!” And, unlike Dale Gribble, this did not succeed in blinding these guards. In fact, at first, all it did was confuse them. So, what do you suppose he did?… … …Time’s up, here’s the answer: HE DID IT AGAIN! “POCKET SAND!” NOW the guards were getting a little angry. So what do you think he did ne-“POCKET SAND!” At this point, I was laughing SO HARD, I was very nearly falling face-forward out of my chair, in which case, I would have likely bashed my face into the table and fallen to the ground. Anyway, they get ready to arrest him, and he more or less said the following: “Okay, but listen, there’s something VERY IMPORTANT that you need to know. Come close, it’s a secret. Are you listening? Okay… … …POCKET SAND!” …DIED. I fucking DIED laughing. That was the funniest Goddamn thing I’d ever heard…and then, Mekeninzo made it worse, because when the guards saw us leaving the house, he told them about how we’d been given authority to do so but that we didn’t know “this guy”. XD

I don’t know if that’s what started the rivalry between Percy and Mekeninzo, wherein Percy would insist at least once every other game that he could kick Mekeninzo’s ass in a fight (if our DM allowed PvP, that is)…but I do know what ended it, and ultimately led to Percy’s demise. It happened two weeks ago, after we’d just cleared out a few enemies attacking part of a town. Now, keep in mind, during this story, that we’d split up to search the nearby buildings for survivors of the attacks, and, in particular, I was trying to find safe haven for a boy that I’d found. As such, my overall recollection of what went down between the two might be a little hazy, because I was trying to keep focused on that (FYI, I eventually ended up taking him to his parents’ home and waiting there with him until they came back from fishing). But, what I do know is that the ensuing incident started when Mekeninzo, who had turned invisible at the time, stole a book from one of the priests at the nearby Church of Selûne, which Percy witnessed, and gathered what had likely happened when said book just disappeared into thin air. So, he decided to chase the Wizard down to reclaim the book, while the latter was basically writing the tale of Percivus in said book (which I guess I’m kinda doing right now). Now, if it had just been the two of them messing around and being dumbasses, that woulda been fine. However, in a rage to reclaim the book, Percy ended up KILLING two people while busting through the wall of the inn like the fucking Kool-Aid Man, one of which turned out to be the mayor’s wife…not that he knew this at first, as he, in a VERY poor decision, when confronted by guards, claimed she was the town harlot. OH. MY. GOD!!! And, on top of all that, I should note that, while he was doing this, Mekeninzo actually dropped off gold to everyone whose property was damaged by Percy, and even suggested that the priests at the church go speak to him and help him after he found himself in prison.

So, I came back tonight (I missed last week’s game because I went to go see Star Wars) to find that Percy was in prison and awaiting sentencing. As such, my character was brought before court to testify as to what I knew about what happened, the nature of my relationship with Percy, and what I felt should be done about him. Now, apparently, Percy tried to indicate the rest of us as accomplices to his murder spree. And lemme tell ya something: As you can no doubt gather from my stories thus far, I’ve taken a lot of crap in my adventures, and endured a lot of antics, but I did so with the knowledge that we’d always have each other’s backs when it came to crunch time. Sooo…yeah, this news did not sit well with me. However, I didn’t suggest he be killed. In fact, I only suggested imprisonment as a last resort. Instead, I told the judge that I felt Percy was likely insane and needed counselling, which can be seen as trying to get him off on the insanity plea, only with the twist that I’m pretty sure he actually WAS. However, it all came down to a roll, and…well, lemme just say this: Not only did the resulting sentence end in his death, but he was burned at the steak in a public execution (where there apparently were hot dogs being served. I guess Homer Simpson was in attendance), and he was apparently cursed to the darkest circles of Hell. Nothing short of a true resurrection spell will bring him back, and we can’t afford that, so he’s GONE. And his player was given EVERY opportunity to try and save himself and stay his madness when said incident broke out, and he refused. Again, all I can think of is that he was tired of playing the character.

Anyway, that’s the story. Know of anyone who pulled such antics in D&D? Lemme know in the comments below, and hopefully, one day, my party will strike rich or something, resurrect poor Percivus, and he will have learned his lesson in Hell and be a better person… … … …Hopefully. Play us out, Alejandro.

Everyone Reacts To “THAT’S A Paladin”

The sequel to my somewhat well known video, Everyone Reacts To “What’s A Paladin?”. Once I saw the ending to the Ultima 9 Review, I HAD to do this. Let this forever serve as a message to anyone who dares ask the question “What’s A Paladin?”. 😛

Footage belongs to The Spoony Experiment, Nostalgia Critic, Kickassia, Ring of Honor, Angel, Panty and Stocking with Garterbelt, Tekken: Blood Vengeance, and My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic.

What’s A Paladin Rant

…You’ve all seen it. You all know what this is about. This is about quite possibly the dumbest line ever uttered in a video game EVER.

Y’know, I should make something clear: I haven’t played the Ultima games. I suppose I’d have never even heard of them if not for Spoony. However, having watched the Ultima Retrospect and then read up on some of the backstory, I can see why someone would be VERY upset by the sheer dumbassery of statements like this (though honestly the Avatar asking what the Codex of Infinite Wisdom is actually ticks me off worse).

Now, I get it. I get why those lines are in there, because EA wanted to have the Avatar ask these questions for the benefit of those that are just jumping into the series and might not know these things. Problem is that logic falls apart when you realise this is the NINTH entry into the main series (tenth if you count Ultima 7 Part 2). Who is gonna play this game that hasn’t either A) Played the previous games, or B) Read up on the other games so that they aren’t completely lost on the backstory? But just on the off-chance that there was someone playing that didn’t do either of those, there are better ways. Take for example Kingdom Hearts. In Kingdom Hearts 3D, there is a section of the game that is updated at times to continuously feed you additional information on what happened in the previous games so that you know what happened in case you didn’t play them. Now what’s so hard with doing that? Oh, but that’s right, not only does Ultima IX force feed you info with stupidly written dialogue, sometimes the information is plain old WRONG!

Now again, I don’t play the Ultima games, so maybe it’s odd that I come across as ticked off as I am. Well, it’s basically because this is not the ONLY series of games EA has screwed over, and with it becoming an alarming trend, I’m worried it’ll eventually affect games I DO play. Again, take Kingdom Hearts. What if Kingdom Hearts 3 came out and at every turn it contradicted everything to ever happen in the series? Like it turned out Sora and Riku were brothers (or boyfriends if you ship that, :P), or Sora DID become a Keyblade Master at the end of 3D, or Master Xehanort was Sora’s father. I’d have a similar reaction to Spoony’s over Ultima IX if that happened.

So yeah, that’s my take on all this, and EA, you officially fail.