Jyger’s Journeys In Dungeons & Dragons – I CAN’T GO BACK, BRO!!! (WARNING – SPOILERS FOR ADVENTURERS LEAGUE)

… … … … … … …So, I delivered goat sextuplets… …Yeah, that was a thing. And I can’t think of a more fitting song as a result to lead us in than this.

I suppose I should explain a bit more in detail. I was at Impossible Realities playing an adventure with my newest character, a Life Cleric named Bones. And yes, I have made THAT joke as often as humanly possible. Point is, we were investigating some odd happenings that were going on in a town, and one of the locations we were checking out was a farm. It was home to a ton of kids, some adopted and some born to the farmer’s wife. They thought they couldn’t have kids, but apparently at some point they had six all at once, and each one of them had 12 fingers instead of 10. Keep this in mind. So, we go to their barn, and we find a goat not looking so good, and a quick Medicine check by me told me the whole story: Not only was she pregnant, she was VERY pregnant. So guess who had to help deliver them? -_-

So, I delivered all six just fine, and the mother made it through the ordeal fine as well…except immediately, we could tell something was wrong: Each one of the baby goats were red, and the first one out had two heads. And right away, I realized “Wait a minute…the farmer and his wife didn’t think they’d ever have kids until a few years ago, when the wife had sextuplets, and each one had 12 fingers instead of 10. Both were unexpected pregnancies, and both resulted in six offspring each with deformities”. And sure enough, we leave for five minutes to find one of their adopted children that had run off (long story, ended with a fight with giant dogs), we come back, and the two-headed goat has grown to enormous size and has got two of the other baby goats attacking the children with it. And this REALLY made me feel like shit, because now we’re putting down baby goats, who, may I remind you, I personally helped bring into this world. The good news was that it was only the big one and two little ones that were a problem. The other three babies seemed just fine. They weren’t attacking anyone, they were nestled up to their momma, they didn’t seem to have anything wrong with them other than being red.

Anyway, after that, we went off to explore some more, and we wound up in this forest that seemed to be a maze that didn’t adhere to the laws of physics. No matter what routes we took and in what patterns or orders, the sun kept on appearing in different points in the sky from time to time. But, beyond that, here’s the part I remember distinctly: We’re wandering around, and we come across this pit we need to jump over, and at one point, it shoots out gas…that smells to me like bubble gum. And I’m immediately like “Oh shit, it was bubble gum?! IT WAS BUBBLE GUM?!?! Oh God, it’s the Chaos Realm again! I CAN’T GO BACK, BRO!!!” Now, eventually, we found out it was some cult fucking with some deep magic or whatever, I forget exactly what they were doing, but for a while there, I was TERRIFIED I had been dragged kicking and screaming back into that nonsense again. I was just rocking back and forth in my chair going “I can’t go back. I can’t go back. It was bubble gum? I can’t go back” for God knows how long. To quote Spoony during an episode of WrestleWrestle, when he was talking about something completely different, obviously, “When I finally snap, that’s gonna be the sound of it. Well, that and the sound of rifle shots, but when I finally come for you with my gun, that’s gonna be the last thing you fuckin’ hear.” 😄

So yeah, that’s the story of how I delivered goats, fought cultists, and almost had a heart attack. Got a wacky D&D story of your own? Lemme know in the comments, and I shall see you all next time. Ja né!

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About Jyger85

Huge fan of wrestling, Kamen Rider, Power Rangers/Super Sentai, and video games. But I WILL talk smack when one of them tick me off. lol

Posted on September 13, 2015, in Jyger's Journeys In D&D and tagged , , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink. Leave a comment.

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